8_17_26_44_53

http://airdrummum.livejournal.com/

thats my new journal. add me if you want. ill add you back. enough of this whiney bullshit here.

as per usual i was too hasty in a decision. i think instead of quitting im going to make another journal which usually makes things seem different. this drab obsessive journal makes me feel lame. ill post a link to my new one later.

im pretty much done with this journals. mayeb journals in general.

logans new prison photo made me feel weird tonight

ive been stuck on my couch for 4 days and tomorrow (today) i have to rejoin the world.

i need to stop watching big brother,

whasapoint

ok i definitely have a gig as a wedding photographer in the morning and im scared as shit that ill screw it up. i am still going to do it though, where normally i would have chickened out by now. i have ruined tons of good opportunities for money and experience this way and i wont do it again.

my phone kinda works now (sometimes) so thats good news.

also i asked out a guy last night who works at the gas station up the street and he said yes. it will be nice to have a little non serious fun and maybe make a new friend while im waiting on the the life i want to happen again.

<3

my phone is broke, i havent gotten an email from the people getting married about where and what time, and my friends a coked up whore... but im ok. <3

im wearing a new shirt and have matching eye shadow. im considering wearing my new matching whore boots but im not sure if i have the balls.

yesterday i visited logan and we had a good talk about the status of our relationship. im really proud of him for the progress he has made so far. the fact that he is able to talk to me openly about these things and be understanding really says a lot. i let him know that paddy was coming to visit and that we might possibly try things again depending on how we get along and he told me hed rather see me get with paddy again than anyone else. that makes me really glad. its still hard to not feel strong things towards logan but i think its ok to feel that way still as long as i know (and he knows) whats up with it. i think we are just really close friends who love each other and just happen to have a strong physical attraction, and thats ok.

things are going well with paddy. we seem to be able to deal with each other a lot better. i think being apart for 6 months really helped and im looking forward to seeing how things are when he comes to visit. love and hearts and insanity ksuhgoiwuhr.

in non heart related matters, i just got hired to be a wedding photographer. i will take pictures for approx 2-3 hours and get paid 100 dollars for my services and pictures on a disk. this is good news because im broke, because i need photography experience and references, and because it is a BIG step for me to actually follow through with this and not chicken out. im confronting my fear of failure head on this time.

lastly, my grandparents are in poor health and will probably die within the year. this means that, other than being sad my grandparents are dead, i will not have a house to live in. i make less than 100 bucks a week right now which barely supports me just keeping up car things and paying a couple small bills. i am terrified about this. a new job is a must. a plan is a must. hanging in there is also a must. wish me luck.

im in a parking lot. i feel nice and want to be social. there are transients walking around with shopping carts and i wave to them. i notice papas pocket knife that nana had given logan sitting on a table next to me. im very excited because i thought it had been lost. i pick it up and make some happy exclamations out loud. a transient walks by and asks "would you like me to show you a good cutting motion to make with that?"... "SURE!" says i. i partway open my knife so he can show me but then i notice he is wielding his own knife, and grabbing my left arm. i open my mouth to protest but he is already sawing and stabbing my forearm. the pain is intense. the fear is more intense. my brain says "protect yourself, stab back!" it also says "wow this is real you are going to die." as well as "its ok life has been good dont be scared.", but the fear is overwhelming. finally my brain says "say something that will make him change his mind about murder."

i know defending myself with my own knife is the best idea but even my other arm is heavy. i make weak stabbing motions at his shoulder and the blade bounces off. my vision is black with bursts of color every time there is pain. i begin to scream "i love you! i love you!" because killing with kindness is my favorite way to murder, but my love only makes him stab harder. i try to tell him that baby jesus loves him. that does not work either. suddenly i realize i am dreaming and i am able to stop the pain. i realize i have another choice, which is to wake up, so i do that.

to me this is about relationships and trust. it is about my fear of opening myself up completely to a person only to have them hurt me, and then the ways that i deal with that hurt. the knife is a symbol of finding a man who i want to believe is good. my grandmother gave logan this knife because she also believed that he was a good man and be good to me. the knife lost itself coincidentally around the same time that emotional abuse started in that relationship. my first instinct was to fight back, but i was not able to because fighting back made things worse in my last relationship. instead i used kindness, and found that this did not work either. if a person is going to stab you love will not change their mind. my final choice was the one that worked... to wake up. now logan is away and regretful and grasping at straws to keep me but i am awake now. in the end im glad that my new weapon is kindness because even though i could not fix a relationship with it, i think i may have had an impact on this person that makes him question the ways he treats people in the future. i feel proud of myself for handling things in the right ways but still a little heart broken. you really cant help who you love, even if they stab the fuck out of you over and over.

so now these type of dreams happen often. my brain is probably trying to recover or something and that is cool. i want to believe that these insecurities will not affect future relationships, but they probably will. i figure as long as i am honest about holding people at distances while still being kind, this will eventually work itself out. yes i have had another relationship that went terribly wrong but instead of becoming jaded and depressed (which is the usual response from me) i feel stronger and more emotionally healthy. i feel more control that i have ever felt over my emotions. i look at my right arm, not the one that was stabbed and cut in my dream, and there are still 4 angry looking scars there from the last time i decided to cut myself when a person was emotionally cutting me. i made physical proof of my emotional pain. its an old habit. the night this happened it hit me like a ton of bricks how wrong this behavior is. that is the night i really got a firm grip on myself and did what i knew was fair and right in emotional situations. i made a promise to myself that i would never hurt myself again and i mean that more than i can express.

i love myself. sometimes im all ive got. this fact is not quite as scary anymore.

my heart crashed last night and took some important text files with it but then i got drunk and said a lot of non poetic things about feelings on the phone. im having a hard time rebooting i guess but it will all be ok. i am redirecting love spells towards a more receptive source and starting to believe in magix again.

this morning i got stuck inside a dead friends head for 45 minutes which made my brain cry and my face LOL painfully. remembering dead friends reminds me of being haunted for life with personality fragments, which feels a lot less lonely than not being haunted. spooks ftw.

today ill pretend to work for 4 hours while reading a dictionary for poetic inspiration. at night i will sing drunkenly about some subjects and hopefully not die in car accidents on the way home. tomorrow i will do some banking and some just visiting and some crafty maneuvering away from topics of romance which is a lot easier now that theres 2 inches of bullet proof glass to protect my heart.

also...

hi. i live alone. i am a lonely bitch. i have one friend in jail who i miss a lot and one friend who lives in idaho who i miss a lot also. i have friends in roanoke virginia that i have no time to talk to and we are growing distant. i have some local friends that i dont have time or money to see. the closest friends are tori and erica. tori is good company but never has money so its hard to go out. erica is strange and more of a drinking buddy. i dont understand why i feel like i need people around me to make me live. maybe it is a good thing maybe it is a bad thing. i dont really know what to say except that im lonely and im tired of meeting new people and im tired of trust issues. i cant decide whether i want to have fun and not take things seriously or choose a path to take very seriously. my love life has kicked me in the ass too many times. i am scared sometimes that i really do know what i want but that i dont have it because i worry about what i should want or what other people might think. i am a confused lonely girl. i take kids that i love to parks and swimming. i get drunk and sing karaoke with my local pals. i chat with my online friends and sometimes we get high together, but alone. i feel the same as always, full of love and creativity and no real reason to do anything with it. i feel unmotivated, unfulfilled, lonely... thats the word i keep coming back to. how do i make myself care enough to have a life i enjoy. how do i follow the advice i try to give all the people i care about. perhaps i am spreading myself too thin and should stop trying to help others so much. but its company and it feels like the right thing to do. woe is me. lol.

12 years ago today i lost my virginity. i share this special date with jews celebrating passover, neo nazis celebrating hitlers birthday, family members of dead columbine students remembering a sad day, and pot smokers everywhere getting stoned like its something new.

hi im going to jail today for 3 hours. im going to drink poppy crystal light and eat a claritin and maybe some more hummus. i wish paddy wasnt a cryptic bastard hes constantly scaring me lol. i feel showered and refreshed. im going to commit food stamp fraud today but that has nothing to do with going to jail for 3 hours.

today i work from noon to 9. god damn her if she makes me come open for 2 hours tomorrow. i feel tired and foggy but not so foggy as usual because i was a good girl and i have not smoked any weed in one day. it was just always around for awhile but now it is not and id like to keep it that way.

things are back to the way they were between october and january. i feel heartbroken and lonely and i am trying to get used to those feelings again in ways that do not involve escapism. i really need to get to cleaning around here but it feels way too overwhelming. everything feels pretty overwhelming actually. i kind of feel bad enough to want to act like logan and blame everyone for my problems and cry like a baby and do stupid shit that will get me in trouble. ill make the choice not to do that tho because i know it will pass. things will work out and i will find love that is real and lasts one day. in the mean time i need to love myself more than usual because i need and deserve that.

Sometimes, I wish that I was the weather
You'd bring me up in conversation forever
And when it rained, I'd be the talk of the day

Oh, sometimes I wish that I was a cold beer
I'd rest assured that you would hold me near
I'd be guaranteed to be just what you need

And there could be no other way, 'cause you're so, you're so lame
Your tired words are all, they're all the same
Yeah I would walk and I'd surely walk away
If I wasn't such a sucker for you

Sometimes, I wish that I was a bong hit
You'd let me in and you would love every minute
And tell the room the things I did to you...

Oh and there could be no other way, 'cause you're so lame
Your tired words are all, your tired words are all the same
Yeah I would walk you know I'd surely walk away
If I wasn't such a sucker for you

I see your world with rosey-colored glasses on
Wanna right what I see wrong
I could never have that power over you

Someday, I'm gonna pack up and leave this town
I'm gonna get my own things goin' on
And when I do, I'll forget
I'll forget
I'll forget about how, how you're so, you're so lame
Your tired words are all, your tired words are all the same
And I would walk you know I'd, I'd walk away
If I wasn't such a sucker for you
I wasn't such a sucker for you
I wasn't such a sucker for you

logans in jail. im going with his mom to pick him out some books today. one will be the Celestine prophecy lets hope it works. im pretty sad and lonely. i hadnt gotten over one companion leaving when i got another one, so now i am minus 2 companions and miss them both very much despite any drama or pain that went along with having them in my life. i wish companion number one still cared to read this blog but i guess i can just tell him these things on the phone. still its not the same.

i will still see companion number 2 a couple times a week through a glass window as long as he is nice to me. also to his mom which is another condition. i will send letters and i will be supportive but still i will not take shit. this will be a good time for me to keep working on emotional barriers so that it will be easier for me not to take shit. i will always love logan no matter what but i doubt i can ever be more than that for him unless some serious changing of priorities happened. we will see, but im not waiting around. it is pretty lame though that my sexual partner will be gone for months lol. i got too used to having tons of hot sex. perhaps its time to take a sabbatical.

im sad and lonely but I WILL SURVIVE.

yesterday i got on the dv and found out jager was in my town for work so tori and erica and i took him to karaoke with us. logan told me he was going to call when he got back to his moms but hadnt by the time i got to karaoke and my phone was dying so i cut it off. maybe an hour into karaoke he started blowing up toris phone acting crazy so i talked to him and told him my phone was dying so i had cut it off and that id talk to him tomorrow. he called right back and told tori to put me on the phone and tori told him i was in the bathroom i guess because he was just irritated that he kept calling and hed also told him i cut my phone off because it was too loud so logan heard conflicting things and used that as a reason to act even more crazy, and called both of our phones all night saying he was going to kill himself and how i used him ect ect. i couldnt listen to the messages i got tori to listen to them and delete them. i tried to even call him when i left the place when i saw i had 16 voice mails and he told me "didnt you get the hint? dont call me again"... lol this is after he called me all night. he called afterwards too about 100 times. so yeah he hung up on me then and i decided i was not going to give him anything else that night because i did not want to be emotionally abused by him. i left my phone at home and tori and i went to jagers to smoke some weed and mostly they talked politics while i worried. when i got home there were more mesages about how i used him and how hes just a random guy i fucked and how hes either going to be dead or in jail in the morning and if i really cared about him id come talk to him. he said every thing he could to me that he knew would hurt me just so he could manipulate me into coming to him but unfortunately his tactics are too childish. i DO care about him and i hope to god hes ok and gets his shit together, but after 3 months of being patient with this person and this kind of behavior, im done for sure.